So one of the things that I expect to be talking a lot about over the course of time is dating and relationships. How to get a girlfriend, how to keep a girlfriend, what the relationship dynamics should be like, etc. Since this will be a recurring theme, I decided that I would get started with an introduction to my take on male-female dynamics and reference back to them as necessary.
By no means am I an expert, so obviously take everything I say with a grain of salt, but I do have a fair share of experience with the opposite sex, so I’ll do my best to relay my knowledge to others. I am currently in a brand new relationship after having serial dated for a while, the purpose of which I will get into in a bit.
The age old advice that you hear from people is that you should “just be yourself” when it comes to attracting the opposite sex. This is really quite true. The problem is that we tend to put on this overly nice facade that comes off as inauthentic and fake. It’s really easy to be nice to someone, and women see right through it.
When I am on a date with a woman, or talking to a woman who I find attractive, I don’t pull any punches. If they do something dumb, I make fun of it. Why? Because if she were a guy, I would make fun of it. That is part of my personality. That brings me to my first, and probably most important principle of dating:
The objective is not to get someone to LIKE you. The objective is to find someone who LIKES you.
There is no point in trying to impress a girl. I want to be myself when I am around her, if I can’t be myself, then I will never be happy in that relationship. I have a list of characteristics that I look for in a potential mate, and one of the most important ones is that she loves spending time with me and lusts for me sexually. If I meet a woman and this is not the case, then I have one of two options. I can either change into someone she likes, or find someone that likes me.
I believe in constantly trying to improve yourself by filling your life with activities you enjoy doing and taking on new experiences. As examples, I went white water rafting for the first time a few weeks ago, and loved it, and I plan on doing it again. I will be taking improv comedy classes this fall. I am going to be joining a gym (possibly a boxing gym) in the near future.
But there are certain things that I like about myself that I do not want to change. I am competitive about everything. I like intellectual discussions/debates about a number of things. I like to watch sports and action movies. I enjoy drinking alcohol from time to time. If these are things that a woman doesn’t like, it’s just not going to work between us. I would rather find someone else who it will work out with.
I mentioned before a certain set of characteristics that I look for in a woman. I have a list of characteristics that is relatively extensive that a woman must have for me to consider her as a potential long term girlfriend. In another post I might spend some time talking about some of these. How did I come up with these traits? It’s pretty simple really; I have dated a lot of women and decided what I liked and didn’t like about them. This brings me to my second principle of dating and relationships:
Date a lot of women to learn what you like. Once you have it narrowed down, make a list of what you want (the non-negotiables), and keep meeting new people until you find it. If someone does not meet your requirements, have the self-restraint to move on.
But what if the perfect girl doesn’t like me? Well as I said before, that is one of the most important characteristics that I look for in a woman. That’s not to say I will settle for a girl who likes me but doesn’t necessarily have the other traits. When I make that list, there are a number of them which are non-negotiables. This makes it easy for me to move on.
So how do I meet these women? Well, when I’m looking for a girlfriend, I take it upon myself to attempt to talk to every woman who I find attractive. I’m not going to get every woman’s number, I’m not even going to get into a conversation with everyone, but I am trying to build that romantic comedy fantasy for her that has been ingrained in her head by movies since she was five years old. How to do this is a subject for another post, but having the courage to make the move puts you ahead of a good 90+% of the guys out there.
I am also not above online dating. In fact, it’s rather a specialty of mine. My current girlfriend was met on OkCupid, and I’ve also dated a large number of women that I’ve met on Match. People always try to trash online dating, but the fact is that there is a huge variety of women online, it is essentially a cross-section of the world. Online dating, when done right, can be almost idiotically easy. The reason is that very few do it right, so when you do, you instantly stand out.
If you have ever seen an attractive woman’s inbox on Match, you will see that she has no shortage of guys competing for her attention. This automatically puts you, as a man, the disadvantage of having to chase. What you have to understand though, is that once you have the option of even 2 women, she is also in a competition as well. Don’t be shy about this fact. She will assume that your reality and her reality when it comes to dating are the same unless given a reason to believe otherwise. This brings me to my next principle:
Honesty is key. Don’t pull any punches.
This is related to my first principle about finding someone who likes you rather than trying to get someone to like you. If you are hiding information, or lying about something, you are by definition trying to get someone to like you. To rectify this, be honest. Brutally honest. If you’re dating other women, tell her when she asks. If you can’t get together with her on a Monday night because your team is playing, don’t be afraid to let her know that your commitment to your buddies is more important to you than a first date with a girl who you most likely aren’t going to like that much.
So those are some of my basic principles of dating. At some point in the near future, I will write about relationships, and why I feel that most people aren’t capable of being in a healthy relationship.