With more than half of marraiges ending in divorce these days, and another wide majority of couples sticking it out despite not being in love, I hope that I can shed some light on why I believe that most men have trouble with committed relationships.
Everyone’s heard the expression that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. What it comes down to is that we just don’t understand eachother. We project our experiences onto the opposite sex assuming that their bodies react in the same way to situations that ours do.
One great example of this is online dating. The number one complaint I hear from women about online dating is that they find it gross when a man puts up a picture of himself without his shirt on. Most of the men putting these pictures up are jacked up meatheads who should be scoring major points for their bodies, or so you think as a man doing it. You think this because of the simple fact that when a woman puts up a picture of herself in a bikini it’s a huge turn-on and gets you going immediately.
But women say to themselves, “ew gross!” Why does this happen? The thing is that women are not coded the way we are. They do not get instantly turned on by visuals like men do. The only exception to this is when they associate a certain visual with other characteristics, like if they see a guy dressed like a rockstar and have been really attracted to a rockband in the past. In this situation, the visual can bring back deep seeded feelings that can potentially turn a woman on.
Because women aren’t as visual, they don’t understand how visual men are. They write it off as being superficial, and think that we’re bad people for judging a woman based on looks. But they have absolutely no idea what it’s like to walk down Broadway in the middle of the summer and be instantly turned on by three different women in in a tank top and a miniskirt in the span of 20 seconds. They can’t fathom it. Over time we get desensitized to it a bit, but that initial “omg I would love to tear that ass up!” reaction is still there. Women could you imagine what it’d be like if you were walking down the street and saw three guys and got wet instantly just by looking at them?
Because of this, it’s no wonder why men have trouble being happy in relationships. Particularly for guys who never got to live out their fantasies of having sex with many different women of different types, when they’re stuck with a woman, in the back of their mind there will always be the lingering wonder as to what it would be like. This question gets more prominent as his wife puts on weight or starts to treat him worse.
I hypothesize that less than 10% of men are capable of being happy in a committed relationship. These are the men that have lived this player lifestyle and gotten bored of it. When I am asked how many women I have slept with, I answer honestly with “I don’t know. I stopped keeping track when I was 16. It’s been enough that I am no longer sleeping with new women for the sake of running up the number and I am ready to settle into something meaningful with the right woman.” And this is the truth, this isn’t just a line that I’ve made up to diffuse the situation.
With that said, at the age of 22 there is no buckle on my hat. I am not a pilgrim. I’m not going to settle for a less than ideal situation because I’m not interested in casual sex anymore. I’m looking for an incredible woman, but in lieu of her I still have needs. When that girl comes around, however; the one who I prefer over all the others, the one who I wouldn’t leave for Jessica Biel or (my personal favorite) Natasha Bedingfield; I am ready to give the others up and enjoy commit.
Most men do not have this experience. They stay in relationships because of the steady stream of sex rather than their feelings for the woman. And believe me, we’ve all been there. If you have a woman who is willing to have sex with you on a regular basis, it is not easy to leave her because you don’t like her or she treats you poorly. It becomes much easier, however, if you know that within a week of leaving her you can have a handful of new women competing for your attention. Once in a while my new girlfriend will say something to me to the effect of, “how can I trust you when I know you’re a player?” To which I answer, “If I am not happy in our relationship, you will be the first one to know, because I have no need or desire to stay in a situation that is less than ideal.”