Men Are Simple

This post is for all the women who still find the male mind to be a mystery. I hope that I’m doing a public service to all of you by posting this.

Men are soooo simple. We’re like Pavlov’s dog. 90% of us are undersexed (also little known fact, 84% of quoted statistics are made up on the spot). If you’re with a guy who is in that 90%, he is doing his best to not blow it with you and essentially be cool enough to have the privilege of sleeping with you.

So when he doesn’t make a move, it is because he is afraid that you will reject him, further damaging his already damaged ego. It is not that he still isn’t sure about you or anything like that. He would sleep with you within 5 minutes of meeting you if he likes your body (or if he’s just desperate enough to not be choosy). The irony of this, of course, is that by the time he works up the courage to make a move, the moment has already passed and crazy things like “this is the type of guy who I can’t just fuck and kick out” start going through the woman’s head, causing her to reject him, further damaging his ego and making him less likely to make a move next time . Listen ladies, a man who is afraid to make a move will be the same man who will be absolutely thrilled to have sex with you, regardless of the circumstances. He may be weirded out by the fact that you kick him out, but I assure you that he’ll quickly get past it.

You’ll hear men calling women “fuckable” all the time. I’ve definitely been guilty of making the “I would fuck her, but only if she threw herself at me, she’s not worth my energy” statement. Fuckable is a very low standard. In fact, I have an even lower standard for getting blowjobs. I’ll have my friend say something like “I mean, she’s kind of big, but I’m not going to kick her out of bed” about women who I would kick out of bed, to which I reply, “I mean, if she offered me a headpiece I’m not going to say no, but I would never touch her.” This is how men think.

So how do you distinguish between the guys who get ass and the guys who don’t? Well, it’s actually pretty simple. If he’s turning you on, making all the right moves, and things just seem to be flowing really smoothly, you’re probably not the only one he’s done this with (also means he’s probably going to be better in bed). If it seems like he’s really choppy and afraid to make the moves, afraid to pick the location, afraid to kiss you, afraid to call you out on your shit, you probably have a guy in that 90% category who doesn’t get ass on a regular basis and is merely trying to just not screw it up. This is particularly true for guys online. Many guys go online because they find it to be retardedly easy, many more go online because they find dating elsewhere to be incredibly hard (and as a result, find online dating equally if not more difficult). It’s the 80/20 rule of online dating, 20 percent of the guys get 80% of the responses.

So the bottom line is this. If he’s a 90 percenter, stop wondering if he likes you, he’s going to stick around with you as long as he’s getting ass. He’ll never be able to truly love you because he’ll always in the back of his mind wonder what he’s missing. That said, he’ll do anything to keep you because he’s afraid of being single. So I guess you have to ask yourself, is this the type of relationship you want to be in?


Rian: Back In the Picture?

So over the last few weeks, I’ve been trying to institute a clean break with Rian, and she seems to keep coming back with this I want to be friends with you thing. She hasn’t gone more than 2 days without talking to me.

Every one of these conversations goes the same way. She tells me that she is just checking in because she cares about me, I tell her the following three things:

1.       She is just trying to get in my head and prevent me from moving on.

2.       Her new/old boyfriend who I stole her from and she’s now back with is lame which is why she wants to talk to me.

3.       Despite pressure from her family to be with this good doctor, this is her subconscious’s way of getting me to make a move.

She of course proceeds to deny all of this, and insists that she wants to be friends. But what good comes from being friends? None. There are two desirable outcomes with this relationship. Either I get her back, or I move on. Either way, both of these outcomes have the same course of action: not calling her, and letting her know when she calls me that I want to be with her but if I can’t be then I want to have nothing to do with her.

Each of these conversations ends with her saying that she hates me and never wants to have anything to do with me ever again. She curses at me and says that we are 100% over. I never fully believe it, but she gets more and more convincing every time. Last time this happened I basically told her that we keep having the same conversation every time and don’t bother contacting me unless you’re willing to schedule a night-time date with me.

So yesterday, I am eating lunch, and I get a call from her. The phone rings a couple of times and then it’s a missed call before I even get a chance to pick up. So I call her back, and she says that she dialed the wrong number because she was calling a friend of hers whose name starts with the same letter as mine and since she thought she had deleted my number, she just put in the letter and hit send without looking. I immediately called bullshit in my mind, but just said “Okay” and hung up.

Of course this mind fucked me all day, as it was intended to do, I’m pretty sure. So fast forward about 10 hours, I go out with some buddies from my improve class for drinks, and as the alcohol flows a little, this hang-up phone call keeps pounding in the front of my mind. Now I’m not very tipsy, but I’m nice and loose, and I make the decision that I’m going to call her and use the fact that I’ve been drinking as an excuse for the call.

So she picks up, which surprised me, I thought I was going to get voicemail. In fact I considered using slydial to ensure I get voicemail. But she picks up, and I start off extra loud and friendly until she asks me if I’m drunk, to which I reply “I’ve had a few.” Turns out she is in the good doctor’s bed at the time, but he is at work and will be home in an hour or so. So I talk to her for the whole hour, basically about how she clearly still wants me, and I want a chance, just a foot in the door. One date. I transition in and out of phone sex voice tone to get her turned on, then call her out on being turned on, which she laughingly denies each time (yea okay). The result is that she says she’ll think about going out on a date with me, but I think it’s a think about it yes, not a think about it no.

Anyway, she hit me up on aim this morning telling me that I’m out of control (good thing). So we’ll see. This is the relationship that I wanted to avoid blogging about, but if I do get the date with her, there will be a full write-up.


I plan to kiss her within the first minute of seeing her, and here’s how:

As soon as I see her I’ll give her a really comforting and strong hug. Then I’ll tell her to switch sides so our hearts are beating together (think lefty hug). Next I’ll put my hand on the back of her head and push it into a snuggle position on my neck. Finally, I’ll slowly come out of the hug while sliding my hands down her sides onto her waist, then give her the forward head tilt with seductive look. Look down at her lips and back to her eyes, give her a little lip bite and lick, and go in for the kiss. This may or may not work, but the most important thing for me to do is stay out of friend zone and get her comfortable with me making moves on her despite her having a boyfriend.

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He Who Hesitates, Masturbates

Guys, I’ve been there. It can be very stressful to make a move on a woman for fear of coming off as a scumbag. But having gone through that phase of my life and gotten past it, I now have such a low tolerance for guys not making a move, I can’t even begin to describe it. When everyone is telling you what to do right, and you still do the wrong thing, you have lost my sympathy.

Guys not making a move seems to be the theme of just about every female dating blog I read lately. One that still sticks out in my mind was the plight of the Dateable Dork (who’s blog is now gone), and more recently, SINgleGiRL‘s posts here and here. So take this post as a PSA, and make a fucking move.

Women are sexual beings. They are not doing you a favor by sleeping with you (unless they’re just not that into you). In fact, you are doing them a favor by making the move. As stressful as it can be for you to make a move, it is infinitely more stressful for the woman. There are all kinds of societal pressures that have been drilled into her mind since she was very young that she would need to go against in order to make the first move. In addition, the female brain is hard-wired to be attracted to a man who is in control. She wants it to feel like it “just happened.” Sure, in theory, getting rejected sucks, but I assure you that it’s much less painful to get rejected than to stress over not making a move after, and don’t get me started on the stress that you will feel when you get dumped for not making a move. 

Women get offended when you don’t make a move on them if they want you to. It is that simple. If they are opening doors for you, and you are totally ignoring them, this shows a lack of social intelligence, which is already very unattractive. It also conveys disinterest.

You’re the one with balls, you’re the one who is supposed to be the man in the relationship. Start acting like it. If you’re a “bad dater,” here are some tips that should help you fake it until you make it:

  • When you schedule a date, you don’t ask her where she wants to go, you tell her where you want to go.
  • You should be walking with her close to you, and instructing her to move to your other side when she is closer the curb. 
  • Walk into the venue together, be picky about which table you want if the restaurant isn’t too crowded (btw don’t go to restaurants). 
  • Pull her chair out and gesture for her to sit. 
  • When the waiter comes over, ask his name if he doesn’t give it (also remember it and use it every time you address him), and then introduce yourself and your date. Then ask how his night is going.
  • If it’s a nice restaurant and you’re a flexible eater, ask the waiter to ask the chef two questions: What does everyone consider the best dish on the menu, and what dish does the chef take the most personal pride in, despite it maybe not being the most popular dish (if you do this, you need to order one of these two).
  • When he asks for your order, suggest that she orders first with a gesture and head nod. 
  • Order as if you’ve known exactly what you wanted since before picking the place.
  • For most of the beginning of the date, you should be leaning back in your chair. Not slouched, but back. Your head should be tilted slightly forward so that you have to look up a little into her eyes.
  • Be playful, nudge and touch her hand as appropriate.
  • Disagree with 10-20% of what she says, and tease her about it (always be lighthearted though).
  • Test for body language compliance. when you lean in, she should as well.
  • If you are both leaned over the table toward eachother, keep strong eye contact, breaking every once in a while to look at her lips (but the glance must be deliberate and slow).
  • Bite/lick your lips slightly to subcommunicate sexuality. She should be glancing at your lips and/or licking her own.
  • If all of these signs are there, confidently go for the kiss. Start with your hand under her chin, gently lifting her head up and to one side. If she backs away at first, tell her to “Get over here” (playfully and with a smile) and stand up out of your seat a little to make sure it’s physically comfortable for her.
  • You should kiss her before the check, if you haven’t, you could have (unless things aren’t going well, in which case it doesn’t really matter and you can adjust your interest in her accordingly, and even ask her to split the check).
  • If you’re waiting for the goodbye kiss to make a move, it’s probably going to be awkward and you’re probably not going to sleep with her that night.
  • When you get back to her place, say this: “Listen, I can’t stay long because I have to get up for work/tennis/whatever tomorrow but would you mind if I come up quickly for a drink/glass of water/use the bathroom/talk a little more/show you something we talked about on the date.”
  • Compliment her place, sprinkling in jokes.
  • Kiss her again, pull away first putting a finger over her lips telling her that you want to do whatever excuse you used to get in.
  • Ask for the tour.

So that’s your little roadmap. Some girls no matter how suave you are will not sleep with you on the first date, and that’s fine, don’t be pushy, but know that she’ll still probably masturbate thinking about you after you leave, and both parties will assume that it’s going down next time. Try it out and report back.

Poetry: Dream Girl


Sunshine and rainbows, things started out


Texting throughout the day.

Jokes and flirting made the workday pass

Never running out of things to say.

Who would have thought, a couple texts

Coupled with the bouncing of the train

Could make you come, on MetroNorth

Stimulating only your brain.

And now you’re gone

I must move on

It makes me want to scream.

You could have been my Dream Girl

But now you’re just a dream.


And now you want to be a friend

Much to my dismay.

I will not be your friend, I said

So please just go away.

Too bad that chump is lame and square

You settled for safe, a man who can’t lead.

I’m not the one to fill that void

Go find a gay guy, that’s what you need.

Can’t be your friend

I must contend

I’ve cut you from my team.

You could have been my Dream Girl

But now you’re just a dream.


So many things, came between us

From family emergencies to injuries

Then there was that sibling pressure

Enough with the baseless judgments, please.

Deep down I know we could be great

If you’d just give us a fair shot.

The window’s open, make your move

Give a brand new ending to this age old plot.

I confess it’s true

I still love you

Your voice still makes me gleam.

You could have been my Dream Girl

But now you’re just a dream.

Sesame Street Routine

This is something that I came up with over the course of online dating and have transitioned it into my attraction/comfort game, and I figured I’d share it with you all today.

Hammer: Can I ask you something? It’s super important; total deal breaker. Are you ready? You sure? Alright. *dramatic pause* “Who’s your favorite Sesame Street character?

HB answers.

Hammer: Oh no way! I love <insert character>! He’s so <insert cool characteristic>! What is it about <character> that you like so much?

Hammer: *bust on her answer, describe characteristics that she must have based on her choice* Do you think that you can tell a lot about someone’s personality based on their favorite Sesame Street character?

HB answers.

Hammer: A friend of mine wrote her senior thesis on the psychoses of the characters of Winnie the Pooh. Totally changed the way I looked at that show. The premise kind of stuck in my mind and I started thinking about how the characters of Sesame Street are totally like that as well.

HB: Lol so true! That’s crazy!

Hammer: I mean look at it: you have Oscar, total crackhead; the count definitely has OCD; cookie monster is a glutton; snuffy is depressed; Bert and Ernie are gay-which was a psychological disorder in the 70’s.

HB talks

Hammer: *pull her toward you by the waist* Oh my god it’s so adorable how seriously you’re taking this! 


There’s nothing particularly special about this routine, there isn’t really any framing or anything involved, although it gets calibrated as necessary. The important thing is that it’s funny and entertaining, and gives you plenty of opportunity to bust on her verbally while escalating physically. Also, if something interesting about her comes up, follow that thread, leaving this one open to come back to if necessary.

LR: Bathroom at the Swallowschween Party

I know it probably seems like I have fallen off the face off the face of the earth. I assure you that isn’t the case. I have been very busy though. Living the single lifestyle with a full time job makes it more difficult to find time for a blog. Also, over the last two weeks I have bankrupted my gambling account (this season has been out of hand the last few weeks) and am not going to re-up until the playoffs as I have lost all of the money that I allocated to gambling for this season.

So it looks like things with Rian and I are over, we had a two week breakup process that didn’t end favorably, and while I am no where near over her, I am certainly enjoying being single again. When you’re in a relationship, there is definitely a lot of benefits, and there is nothing like sleeping with a girl who you have feelings for and care deeply about; having said that, the sense of accomplishment that you get from picking up a new girl and bedding her is something that I definitely missed.

Anyway, I have been back on match and taking full advantage, although I am not getting the same proportion of responses that I used to get with the same profile, pictures and emails that were working 4 months ago. I’ve begun tweaking my profile a bit and I just bought a new digital camera (the Sony t700, review coming in a week or two after I get a chance to use it) and a Gorillapod for taking some good solo pictures. Sometime this week I will spend some time taking new pictures which will hopefully get my quality back to where it was. Despite my poor response rate, I have still had my share of fun with match girls, and for whatever reason once they do respond I have been getting them on dates and in bed MUCH faster than I was before. I’m always working to improve my game, but for whatever reason since getting out of this last relationship my kino-escalation has been totally on point and I am consistently making out with girls within the first hour of meeting them for the first time and laying them within 3.

But the lay that I want to talk about is far more interesting than any of those. It took place at the Swallowschween Party hosted by Maxim Radio’s Covino and Rich.

If you’re looking to get laid at a Halloween party, costume choice is critical. Never dress in something too gruesome looking as it will totally turn women off. You want to dress as a character that women associate with being sexy, but you don’t want to be dressed like anyone else at the party. Also, no masks guys. Seriously. You have to take it off for any woman to even consider having sex with you anyway.

I chose to dress as alternative rock rockstar (think Pete Wentz from Fallout Boy). The beauty of this was that I didn’t have to change up my style too much. I already wear skinny jeans, as any guy looking to get laid consistantly with a tall and slender body should, and I just pulled out one of my buttondowns and a vest. To make it work, I did have to make some changes though. I put on guyliner and black nailpolish, and straight-ironed my hair. I did consider dying my hair black and putting on white makeup, but that would have been too much work. The negative: no one really knew what I was and pretty much thought that I wasn’t wearing a costume. The positive: when gave my 20 second explanation they got it and didn’t ask about it again.

I roll into the party at about 11:15. I thought I would be really early and it would be awkward for a while but it was already hopping. Perfect timing. I go over and say hi to Covino and Rich, who recognized me instantly, which surprised me a little since I hadn’t seen them in over a year and i was wearing guyliner and rocking a totally different hairdo than last time we met. I talk to them a little, Covino introduces me to his girlfriend Layla Kayleigh, I say hi to Spot the producer, shoot the shit with him for a bit. Then I start talking to Sami J, the former producer of the show, also formerly of G4TV. I talk to him for 5-10 minutes before deciding it’s time to start gaming.

I alternate between going direct and indirect, depending on what I’m feeling in the particular situation. I always find that direct is great for stopping someone, and indirect is better for a group that’s already situated, particularly as their converstaion dies for a second. Typically even after going direct I would still stack into an indirect opener for discussion.

Anyway, my direct opener is always “Excuse me *hand on shoulder to get eye contact/attention*, sorry to interrupt, but you are SO, FUCKING, cute/adorable. (thank you) I had to come over and talk to you. I’m Hammer. The indirect opener I was using for the night was related to a WSJ article I read on Friday. I would say, “Hey guys, do you think vampires are hot/sexy? (she answers) I ask because I was reading this article in the Wall Street Journal yesterday that was talking about how Vampires are the new masculine sex symbol. What do you think about that? (she answers, I make fun of her for her answer while kinoing, she laughs) The article talked about this new series on HBO called ‘True Blood,’ I’m not sure if you’ve heard of it, and this romance novel series called Twillight.”

Anyway. that was basically the extent of the canned material that I was using, and if I ran out of something to say I would tell her that I have a dealbreaker question for her and ask her if she’s ready for it, then ask her who her favorite Sesame Street character was. That’s a whole routine that I made up for online dating and I should talk about it at some point because women find it very interesting and funny at the same time.

Anyway, I see a two set. I open them with Hot Vamp, start talking to them, ask how they know eachother, find out that they are best friends with Coley Biggins from the Sirius Hits One Morning Mashup. Within two minutes talking to me one of them references her boyfriend, the other doesn’t say anything, so I shift my focus and do a body-block isolation of the single one. I find out she’s a social worker, start talking about how my mom’s a social worker, and was then going to go into how this makes her a Lover personality type and I’m a warrior personality type so we might get along well (thanks Dr. Paul). I’m talking to her and kinoing side to side, when all of the sudden Coley comes in from behind and pulls the friend away. Lame.

I walk away and whisper to Sami J that she just cockblocked the shit out of me, and move on. I start talking to some of the dudes there about their costumes, then jump over and open a couple of girls sitting on a couch telling them they look bored. They have thick accents and are apparently models who were doing a fashion show before I got there. I’m getting shitty responses, I walk out.

I talk to Rich about how I think they should make the WSJ vampire article a show discussion topic since they talk about “True Blood” all the time on the show, when all of the sudden I get openned by a hot girl who I’ve never met, “Hi Geoff.” “Hi, how do you know me?” It turns out it’s their old intern, Sassy Cat, who I have talked to a lot on aim during their show and facebook independently of the show. I totally recognized her right away but pretended I didn’t until she introduced herself. She’s looking out of control hot and I decide that I want to get with her. Then her boyfriend comes in and she introduces him to me. I decide there’s no way that I’m going to hook up with her tonight but I will build attraction over the course of the night because this guy, while nice, is kind of lame and she’s definitely not that into him, and that I’m going to try to steal her over the course of the next couple of weeks.

Anyway, other stuff happens, I open more sets, get bored and move on, but always leaving the possibility to come back in. I decide to start a dancefloor in the back, and proceed to do so. Soon we’ve got a good 20-30 people dancing and I start trying to pull girls I previously talked to onto the dance floor, some successfully others not so much. Anyway, enough with the buildup, let’s get to the lay.

I see a girl standing by herself with a drink in hand who’s pretty hot. Definitely at least an 8 on anyone’s scale and she was my type with the blue eyes, brown hair, freckles, and a tight little body.

Hammer: Hey, you look bored.

HB: Yea I’m just waiting for my friend.

Hammer: You are so, fucking, cute.

HB: Oh thank you *smile*

Hammer: I’m Hammer.

HB: I’m HB.

Her friend comes in, She’s not nearly as hot, “Hey what’s up I’m Hammer. (she introduces herself) So it’s HB6 and HB8. Your friend is really cute.” I put my arms around both and pull them in close and run Hot Vamp. Talk, talk, HB8 starts telling me about how she used to go to ASU but partied to hard and got kicked out, I make fun of her. She thinks I’m on drugs and asks me what I’m on, then starts telling me about how she’s tried everything there is.

Doug from I Love Roadhead comes in. He is dressed as Captain Cockblock, and he gives HB6 a business card that says “You’ve Been Cockblocked.” HB6 keeps sticking it in my face and I keep ignoring it, HB8 keeps talking to me.

I run Sesame Street and start going deep into that routine. HB6 looks bored and is texting and I start to get worried about that situation, so take her number and then continue with Sesame Street discussions. Eventually I tell HB8 that she should get back to her friend and go back to the dance floor. Before I leave I go in for a kiss, she leans away. I just sit there and say come here, she comes and kisses me, I leave.

The night continues, I dance for a while, see a girl on the wall eyefucking me and decide to go talk to her even though she’s not my type. She was thin and sort of attractive, but her face great and I’m not into the dark-skinned Colombian girls. I was talking to her for a while and definitely could have started making out with her, but this other dude came in who had no game and I could tell he’d been working this girl all night and figured I’d throw him a bone since he wanted it more than me. I excuse myself and tell her I’m going to start dancing again.

A two set walks up, blonde and brunette. The blond could lose a few, I’ll give her a 6, and the brunette was really not and wearing lingerie with an open bathrobe. I stop the hottie brunette and open her direct. Then I bring in the blonde and tell her that I like her friend and think she’s really hot and want to go home with her. I talk to them for a while, then eject to dance, fully planning to pull the hot brunette over to dance with me. All of the sudden, HB8 from before comes back by herself and I pull her in to dance. We start grinding hard. It’s definitely on.

After a song of grinding with her back to me, I decide that I want to start really physically escalating with her so I grab her hand and spin her 540 degrees and pull her in. She tells me that got her dizzy, so I sit her down. We talk for a while, and then I start making out with her. We’re making out for 20 minutes or so, I pull her up onto my lap and start sucking her neck and kissing down her chest, rubbing my leg against her pussy through her jeans. I had already been worrying about logistics so I asked her if she lives at home or by herself (at home), so I realize I have to be bold if I’m going to fuck her tonight.

Hammer: We need to go somewhere private.

HB8: What’d you have in mind?

Hammer: Let’s go to the bathroom.

HB8: Lead the way.

So we go upstairs to the bathroom, lock the door behind us, start making out. This is where I should have started saying things like “We shouldn’t be doing this, I barely know you” stealing her frame and preventing LMR. Instead I start going for the belt, and start to  get LMR. “I don’t know if I want to do this, I barely know you.”

Ladies, you have to explain this shit to me. Seriously. What do you expect to happen when I take you into the bathroom after making out with you for a half hour? Anyway, I leave it alone and start making out again. I’m kissing the neck, and making my way down her chest. I pull her right tit out of her top and start sucking on her nipples. She’s breathing really hard and I can tell is really turned on. Then I remember something that I heard in an Eric Disco interview with Glenn from Brad P’s company.

Hammer: Stick your hand down your pants and play with your pussy. *she does*

Hammer: Oh my god I am so turned on right now, I want to taste you so badly. *I pull her hand out of her pants and lick her fingers. Bye bye LMR.*

I pull down her pants, and take a condom out of my pocket, she pulls down my pants. I bend her over and fuck her from behind. She cums really quickly. People are knocking on the door like crazy now, so I go into hurry-up. I finish inside her and tell her that we need to get out of there because of the line. 

She checks her phone and has a ton of missed calls and texts from her friend. She says that she has to go find HB6, so I kiss her goodbye and tell her I’ll call her in a few days. I run into Covino, he asks me what happened to the girl who was all over me. I tell him that I just fucked her in the bathroom.

Covino: That’s great, although to be honest, I’m totally not surprised.

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