He Who Hesitates, Masturbates

Guys, I’ve been there. It can be very stressful to make a move on a woman for fear of coming off as a scumbag. But having gone through that phase of my life and gotten past it, I now have such a low tolerance for guys not making a move, I can’t even begin to describe it. When everyone is telling you what to do right, and you still do the wrong thing, you have lost my sympathy.

Guys not making a move seems to be the theme of just about every female dating blog I read lately. One that still sticks out in my mind was the plight of the Dateable Dork (who’s blog is now gone), and more recently, SINgleGiRL‘s posts here and here. So take this post as a PSA, and make a fucking move.

Women are sexual beings. They are not doing you a favor by sleeping with you (unless they’re just not that into you). In fact, you are doing them a favor by making the move. As stressful as it can be for you to make a move, it is infinitely more stressful for the woman. There are all kinds of societal pressures that have been drilled into her mind since she was very young that she would need to go against in order to make the first move. In addition, the female brain is hard-wired to be attracted to a man who is in control. She wants it to feel like it “just happened.” Sure, in theory, getting rejected sucks, but I assure you that it’s much less painful to get rejected than to stress over not making a move after, and don’t get me started on the stress that you will feel when you get dumped for not making a move. 

Women get offended when you don’t make a move on them if they want you to. It is that simple. If they are opening doors for you, and you are totally ignoring them, this shows a lack of social intelligence, which is already very unattractive. It also conveys disinterest.

You’re the one with balls, you’re the one who is supposed to be the man in the relationship. Start acting like it. If you’re a “bad dater,” here are some tips that should help you fake it until you make it:

  • When you schedule a date, you don’t ask her where she wants to go, you tell her where you want to go.
  • You should be walking with her close to you, and instructing her to move to your other side when she is closer the curb. 
  • Walk into the venue together, be picky about which table you want if the restaurant isn’t too crowded (btw don’t go to restaurants). 
  • Pull her chair out and gesture for her to sit. 
  • When the waiter comes over, ask his name if he doesn’t give it (also remember it and use it every time you address him), and then introduce yourself and your date. Then ask how his night is going.
  • If it’s a nice restaurant and you’re a flexible eater, ask the waiter to ask the chef two questions: What does everyone consider the best dish on the menu, and what dish does the chef take the most personal pride in, despite it maybe not being the most popular dish (if you do this, you need to order one of these two).
  • When he asks for your order, suggest that she orders first with a gesture and head nod. 
  • Order as if you’ve known exactly what you wanted since before picking the place.
  • For most of the beginning of the date, you should be leaning back in your chair. Not slouched, but back. Your head should be tilted slightly forward so that you have to look up a little into her eyes.
  • Be playful, nudge and touch her hand as appropriate.
  • Disagree with 10-20% of what she says, and tease her about it (always be lighthearted though).
  • Test for body language compliance. when you lean in, she should as well.
  • If you are both leaned over the table toward eachother, keep strong eye contact, breaking every once in a while to look at her lips (but the glance must be deliberate and slow).
  • Bite/lick your lips slightly to subcommunicate sexuality. She should be glancing at your lips and/or licking her own.
  • If all of these signs are there, confidently go for the kiss. Start with your hand under her chin, gently lifting her head up and to one side. If she backs away at first, tell her to “Get over here” (playfully and with a smile) and stand up out of your seat a little to make sure it’s physically comfortable for her.
  • You should kiss her before the check, if you haven’t, you could have (unless things aren’t going well, in which case it doesn’t really matter and you can adjust your interest in her accordingly, and even ask her to split the check).
  • If you’re waiting for the goodbye kiss to make a move, it’s probably going to be awkward and you’re probably not going to sleep with her that night.
  • When you get back to her place, say this: “Listen, I can’t stay long because I have to get up for work/tennis/whatever tomorrow but would you mind if I come up quickly for a drink/glass of water/use the bathroom/talk a little more/show you something we talked about on the date.”
  • Compliment her place, sprinkling in jokes.
  • Kiss her again, pull away first putting a finger over her lips telling her that you want to do whatever excuse you used to get in.
  • Ask for the tour.

So that’s your little roadmap. Some girls no matter how suave you are will not sleep with you on the first date, and that’s fine, don’t be pushy, but know that she’ll still probably masturbate thinking about you after you leave, and both parties will assume that it’s going down next time. Try it out and report back.


17 Responses to “He Who Hesitates, Masturbates”

  1. Hot Alpha Female Says:

    Holy crap.

    I don’t know much about you Hammer, but you definately know your stuff.

    I know heaps of girls and me included would see that as a perfect date, to be treated in that way.

    I agree girls are sexual beings aswell, and we like to know that you appreciate it.

    Girls love attention, but the right kind. The kind you talk about here.

    We love guys that NOTICE things. A hot outfit, new earings, i dunno something about us.

    Too many times people who are learning the game, think that you have to totally ignore a chick and never compliment or pay attention to her.

    N their teasing just turns out to be plain rude.

    You have to pay attention, you have to show an interest, you have to tease, but all in the same way.

    Thanks for sharing


  2. Hot Alpha Female Says:

    Sorry I meant all in a “certain” way.


  3. Hammer Says:

    Why thank you HAF. Always appreciated. How about a shout out ;).

  4. Dating Tips for Guys Says:

    Hello Hammer,

    Youve got every point right! Bad Dater sucks, and It’s a shame when girls are already opening their doors for them but they keep on ignoring them, that is insane. Your tips are all great by the way.


  5. Hot Alpha Female Says:

    Guys ….

    They always want SOMETHING from you.


    Don’t you worry. I’ll send you a shout out. Watch out for my next post =)


  6. Infinity Says:

    I mean, I probably could say this better, but this is good enough 😉

    Good post, Hammer. It’s so true. I’m so tired of people not taking risks. It’s so dumb.

    Who wants to regret what I do than what I don’t do – especially if I was too afraid to do it.

  7. SINgleGIRL Says:

    I’m going to tiptoe into this because I don’t want to offend you, but wow, we don’t see eye to eye. I think it has a lot to do with the large age and experience gap between us and the gap between myself and any women you’d be trying to date. If a man acted that way on our first date I would laugh in his face. Really. Laugh. In his face. A few of those things, sure. But all of them and you become a caricature. Now maybe a bunch of girls in their early twenties with limited experience and even less self esteem and intelligence might find that all exciting, but at some point you’re going to outgrow them. Just be forewarned.

    As to your comments on my posts. Well, I think you are reading WAY TOO MUCH into them. I am talking about MY preferences. And they have a lot to do with sex, btw, and what turns me on. I have no trouble making the first move. I have frequently. But that’s not what makes me HAPPIEST. I have lived a life in which I’ve been in charge of a lot of STUFF, including my sexuality (as have most of the women of my generation – I am really starting to fear for the women of your generation). What I like has to do with what I LIKE – not societal norms or evolutionary biology. Jeez, why can’t anybody just lighten up and enjoy themselves out here in the blogosphere? People are complicated. We like what we like. Some of us girls like the guys to lead. Some of like to do the leading. Some like to take turns. It’s all good.

  8. Honey Says:

    I don’t think it matters who makes the FIRST move (i.e., who approaches first in the bar/club/grocery store/whatever or who e-mails or “winks” first on a dating site), what is imperative is social savvy once the first move has been made…keeping the momentum and not letting the interaction die out. This is very good advice for that.

  9. Hammer Says:

    While I agree with you to a point, I think that a distinction needs to be made between the woman making the first move because the guy doesn’t and the woman making the first move because the guy is busy (maybe with another girl). If the girl is clearly checking the guy out, and he notices it and refuses to do something about it, that demonstrates a lack of social savvy and is unattractive. Further, it throws off the dynamic of the relationship by putting the woman in the drivers’ seat.

  10. For Women Scandalous Magazine cuckolding, Playgirl, fashion, beauty, health, sex advice for women Says:

    […] November 18, 2008 This post was inspired by Hammer over at his blog who wrote a post called “He who hesitates maturbates” […]

  11. Hammer Says:

    Lol SINgleGIRL, for someone trying to make the argument that she is unique and totally polar opposite from every other woman in the world, you’re giving a very typical reaction to hearing a pickup artist talk about how he works his game.

    “This would never work on me.”
    “This only works on dumb girls.”
    “No one in my age group/race/ethnic background/school/city etc. would fall for this stuff”

    The irony of course is that these objections are all coming from someone who has been venting about bad daters who don’t aren’t making a move; someone who specifically said that all of her relationships have been with dominant guys who make decisions.

    According to women, this stuff doesn’t work on any of them. Yet it seems to work on all of them. I have dated brilliant ivy league graduates, law school attendees, hedge fund managers, etc. I’ve also dated Revlon models, actresses, ballerinas… Women are women. They will all have different personalities and interests, but there are certain things that are universal. That’s not to say that I can pick up any woman, sometimes we just don’t get along. Then again if you’ve seen my post about what I’m looking for I’m not looking for just any woman. I do know that I can attract the women who I want.

  12. SINgleGIRL Says:

    So I see that, after I called you out on my blog you found the balls to post my comments. Kudos. Nice to know you’re not all bluster. Not ALL. But come on, how’s a grown girl supposed to take any guy who calls himself a pickup artist seriously? Please. Any girl (with 1/2 a brain) you’ve “attracted” with this lame act wanted to be gotten darling.

    My serious relationships have been with dominant guys because – I’M INTO DOMINANT MEN. It’s a sexual thing. It’s not rocket science. And if a guy can’t get it together to make a move then he’s not going to be particularly dom sexually. Geez, you kids. Can you even think?

  13. Hammer Says:

    Your comments got trapped in the spam folder. That’s why I didn’t post them. I happened to glance at my spam folder and saw your post sitting there, so I set it free. It had nothing to do with a lack of balls.

    The thing is that it’s not an act. It is something that I have done over and over and created through trial and error, to the point where it’s now what I naturally do. It comes off natural when I do it. The thing is that I do it a good 10 times a month, so even though it’s not contrived, it’s become routine to the point where I can map it.

    When you date a lot, the dates sort of become like the movie Groundhog Day, where you do something and reliably get a certain result, rather than being a black box that you input things into without knowing what the response is going to be. I change it up all the time, and I NEVER go out to dinner with a girl, but the basic principles about how to lead remain the same no matter what you’re doing.

    Do you really think that you’re the only woman in the world who is into dominant men? It’s not just a sexual thing. It’s a gender thing. There are always exceptions to the rules, but a woman being into a dominant man is normal, while a woman being into a submissive man is a fetish.

  14. Ratata Says:

    Hahaha, “When your at the restaurant (…) Btw don’t go to a restaurant” and “So, when you sit down at the… restaurant and meet the waiter…”

    Bottom line: Don’t go to a restaurant! But… If you absolutely HAVE to, use these guidelines.

    Great guidelines, tho! xD

  15. The Dateable Dork Says:

    Hammer – Amen to that!!!

    First of all – love the title of this post, hahaha. : )

    Secondly – “You’re the one with balls, you’re the one who is supposed to be the man in the relationship. Start acting like it.” YES, thank you for announcing this to all the ball-less men out there (and they seem to be everywhere these days). Even though I consider myself to be a highly independent woman, when I’m on a date with a guy, I want him to make the first move. Period. Attention all men out there: please use your balls and just go for it!!!

  16. Benedict M. Smith Says:

    great guide to the uninitiated

  17. victor Says:

    well this is really good advice i mean i knew about 75% of the stuff but its always good to look at what other guys do to see if that will better my game even more but really good stuff man keep up the good work

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