Sex on the First Date

Over the last week, I have had a couple of instances of people making comments about sex on the first date and I want to weigh in on my perspective. The discussion first started in the comments here on Seth’s blog and crossed over into the twittersphere (tm?). But when I saw this video on Ask Dan and Jennifer I had to step in and write formal post.

I can’t believe how many people actually think that having sex on the first date is going to prevent you from building something long term with someone. It is absolutely ridiculous. Yea sure there are times when you have sex with a guy on the first date and he doesn’t call you again, but that just means that there was not any long term potential to begin with. To say that you are ruining your chances at something long term with someone because you have sex with them on the first date is absolutely ridiculous. In fact it makes it sound like you’re trying to trap or trick the guy into a long term relationship by manipulating his interest in you.

Tangent: I find it absolutely hilarious that women criticize men for reading books on how to attract women when a book like “The Rules,” which is essentially about how to trap a guy into marrying you, has sold millions of copies. BTW, trapping someone into marrying you is much worse than making someone comfortable with deciding to go against all their social programing and have sex with someone who they already want to have sex with.

Here’s why the goal of all of my first dates is to have sex that night:

It’s fun. Why deny yourself of something that you want to do and will thoroughly enjoy? I like independent women who know what they want and aren’t afraid to go after it.

It gets it out of the way. If a guy is on a date with you, it is probably because he wants to have sex with you, and it’s probably what is overwhelming 90% of his thoughts. You’re not going to see the true him, and he’s not going to truly know how much he likes you until he’s had sex with you and still wants to talk to you.

I have sexual dealbreakers. This is probably the most important one. because there are a bunch of things that I absolutely require from a sexual partner and will not get into along term relationship with someone who doesn’t meet these criteria. I have met too many men who are unhappy with their sex lives to settle for less than 100% of what I’m into. However, if you have developed an emotional connection with and feelings for someone, it will hurt both of you much more to break it off than it would if you knew these things earlier on in the relationship. Sexual deal breakers include:

  • Small inner labia (a.k.a. peach lips)
  • Smooth shaven
  • Makes a lot of noise
  • Likes to dirty talk
  • Anal
  • Multiple Orgasms
  • Deep throating
  • Likes being tied up
  • Likes being choked
  • Hair Pulling
  • Spanking
  • Cleanliness down there
  • Public places

I like independent thinkers. I mentioned this before, but I think it deserves its own bullet point. If she is effected by what other people think of her to the point that she would deny herself of having sex with you despite being so turned on that she masturbates thinking about you when she gets home (I had a girl tell me that she did this once and since then I’ve started asking about it after sex, and was very surprised to find out how often it happens), I don’t think we would work well long term. I like sassy, witty, independent, adventurous women who go for what they want and aren’t afraid to say yes to things despite what other people would think.

I’d like to speak to a point that Dan and Jennifer made in their video where they said that if a girl puts out on the first date the man will assume that she does this for all girls. This may be true for some men, I mean, if you go out on a dinner date and just talk only to be invited up by her afterward, I could see you being a little suspicious. But as someone who is particularly good at eliciting attraction and desire for sex, I know exactly what I am doing with her to make her want it, and would never assume that most other guys are doing the same. Even if this were true though, I am much more turned off by a woman denying herself something that she wants than being sexually experienced.

Listen, I agree with the point that sex is better in a loving relationship with an emotional connection. I’m in a loving monogamous (with the exception of an occasional threesome) relationship with an emotional connection. She is absolutely incredible (genius level intelligence, incredibly fun and playful, great maternal instincts, comes from a loving family, highly independent and ambitious, oh and don’t forget drop dead gorgeous). But just because sex is BETTER that way, doesn’t mean that it isn’t still GREAT without that emotional connection, and in lieu of a connection I think that it bridges the gap nicely.

Tangent: Great article from the New York Times Magazine about Teasing that everyone should check out. Thanks to Tenmagnet for linking to it.

Posted in dating, sex. 5 Comments »

5 Responses to “Sex on the First Date”

  1. Lance Says:

    I read the article, watched the video, her logic breaks down. She says that once the sex starts, the getting to know you stops. Not true at all, and I’m don’t really know where that comes from. Her stuff is hopelessly out of date.

    There’s an underlying assumption that’s unsaid in her stuff, and that is that the guys are weakling (beta) horn dogs and the girls shouldn’t give up their power by sleeping with them so fast. Really, what she’s talking about is power, not sex. If the guy is a weakling, I agree, she shouldn’t sleep with him on the first date, or any date for that matter. If the guy is ALPHA, though, there’s nothing wrong with getting it on on the first date. Alpha guys prove themselves to be sex worthy…further, they’re the guys who can have sex on the first date and will stick around if the connection is a good one.

  2. The Dateable Dork Says:

    Hammer – I agree with some of your points and disagree with others. But instead of getting into a philosophical debate, I’ll simply say this: I don’t usually sleep with men on the first date because I like being a tease and drawing out the anticipation. It’s fun. It’s cute. It’s playful. I like to kiss him goodnight and leave him wanting more. And yes, I’ll be masturbating when I get home. : )

  3. Hammer Says:

    No I mean, I get that, but this is why I assume the role of the tease playing hard to get so that you are chasing me all the way into the funk shop. But then again, I’m not saying that I will never call a girl again who I don’t sleep with on the first date, I am just trying to clear up fallacies and encourage women to be more open to the possibility. Not that it really matters, I mean, I get plenty of first date tail regardless, I just hate stupid rules.

    In an unrelated note, when am I getting together with you DD? I want to do things to you that are illegal in 17 states that you’re not going to want me to do but will absolutely enjoy. Plus, it will be good blog publicity :).

  4. The Dateable Dork Says:

    Hahaha!!! Hammer, my dear, you know I could never corrupt such a young stud muffin like yourself. I would have to make Demi Moore my new BFF or something. : )

  5. Honey Says:

    I’m confused, Hammer, is the list above a list of things you DO want or a list of things you DON’T want? It’s not clear at all.

    That being said, now that I have been monogamous for almost three years, if I became single again I think I would have to wait longer before sleeping for a guy for the first time for a couple of reasons:

    1. It’s SO MUCH better when there’s a connection, that I don’t think it would be great at all if it was just physical. In fact, I think it would kinda suck.

    2. I would not feel comfortable sleeping with someone unless I knew when their last STD panel was, whether they’d had partners since that last workup, and whether they’d used a condom with those partners. That’s not sexy first date talk – it’s kind of a bummer. So I think you have to tease a little and build the sexual tension until you know each other well enough to have that conversation without killing the buzz.

    That said, the BF and I had sex on our first date, but neither of us was expecting it (though we were both obviously open to the possibility).

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