Twitter Wars! Calling vs. Texting

So it all started when I checked out this clip from a TSB Magazine newsletter (by the way guys, if you’re not signed up for their newsletter, definitely get on that. TSB offers one of the most content rich newsletters out there, with all kinds of free ebooks and podcasts with all of your favorite gurus. They’re great guys, and are really doing their best to bring you an impartial view of the community and its material). Now I’ve never paraded myself around as an expert or a “Master Pick-Up Artist,” but there are a couple of things that I am VERY good at, and one of them is online game, and in particular texting and instant messaging. So when I saw this clip, I had to at least start a conversation.

If you don’t have time to check out the clip, the jist of it is that there’s this really cute blondie who’s frustrated because she can’t get a boyfriend. She talks about how she wants a man, and then goes on to talk about how these guys are texting her rather than calling her (thus unmasculine clearly). She refuses to respond to texts from guys, and hearing an example of a text I don’t really blame her, but she basically says that if you don’t call her she won’t respond to you.

This is where I decided to step in. I’m sorry hun, you’re cute, but that is just such a ridiculous reason to rule a guy out. It’s a trend that I’ve actually started to notice more and more lately; sexually frustrated women having these entitlement complexes (ehhem, Simone Grant) that are screwing up their dating lives. What makes you think you even deserve a phone call from me? In the same way that you gave your number out to 5 other guys, you should be assuming that I’m texting 5 other girls. I’m not going to just give you my undivided attention after meeting you for 10 minutes on the street and getting your number. That’s not the way it works.

Also, most girls these days, at least in my age range, hate talking on the phone. They grew up instant messaging on aol in 6th and 7th grade, and talking on the phone is just not something they like to do very often. That’s not to say that I don’t talk on the phone. In fact, usually I ping with a text and then call when she responds. I had a great example of one such conversation today.

This is a girl who emailed me on Match like a week after I emailed her, but her response was really good so I responded to her email and asked her for her number. 6 days go by and I figure that I must have offended her or whatever because I didn’t hear back. Then today, I go into match and realize that she had replied to me the same day, I just didn’t see it because it didn’t get forwarded into my regular email inbox. The following text message conversation ensued:

Hammer: Hey UNCGirl, it’s Hammer from match. Sorry for the week delay, your second email didn’t forward to my regular email inbox. Any big plans today?

UNCGirl: Hey there! Headed to my little cousin’s 2nd birthday party- very exciting, 🙂 How about you?

I call her immediately after receiving the text, she doesn’t pick up, which by the way, need I say more? Clearly some women prefer to text than talk on the phone. I’d go as far as to say that most do, until they know you better.

Hammer: Does sound exciting. Call me back

UNCGirl: I’m just getting ready. I’ll call you in a few! 🙂

Hammer: Mhm… Look it’s totally fine if you’re a 67 year old man. Not my thing, but I don’t judge 🙂

UNCGirl: Hahaha well don’t judge before you meet me! Saggy 67 year old balls just might be your thing and you just don’t know it yet. Drying my hair, call in 15!

Hammer: Well aren’t you sassy! I love it. What time does this birthday party go until? There’s a street fair in my neighborhood and I need a body guyard to protect me.

UNCGirl: Probably only 6ish but I’m two hours from the city.

Hammer: Sadface. I guess I’ll be resigned to my humble non-street fair attending existence.

UNCGirl: I have six vicious looking baby kittens that you could borrow for protection against the evils of the street fair?

Hammer: Don’t say things like that. I’m totally the type of person who would take you up on it.

She calls and we talk for a while. I tease her some and just pretty much be myself. I’d say 80% chance that we spend the night together on our first date.

So what does this text conversation teach us? Well let’s take a look at what I’ve accomplished here. I’ve set the frame of being non-judgmental. The conversation went sexual quickly, so for every interaction we have from now on, sex will be totally fair game. Also, since she went sexual first, she’s now in a sexual aggressor frame. She accepted this frame by asking me if we should make plans to hang out this week when we talked on the phone.

We had a super fun conversation on the phone and I’m really looking forward to hanging out with her. I told her I’d give her a call later to make plans. If I wanted to, I’m sure I could turn that phone conversation into a lot more, but there’s no real need unless our schedules don’t work this week.

Back to the point at hand though: So I send Scot McKay an @ reply telling him that I think it’s bad advice to tell guys to call girls, and the shit storm starts. Scot was very civil and I really like the guy, I’ve always liked his stuff, particularly when it comes to relationship management, but there were definitely some fanboys who stepped in (@SidSmitty) who were a little overboard. Also, I started to make the point about entitlement issues and referenced @SimoneGrant, which brought up a whole new conversation (Speaking of which, Simone, trying to insult my intelligence just makes you look insecure, and I know it was kind of a low blow calling you out for being single at 39, but at least I’m not being totally baseless like you are). It’s way too long a conversation and spans 4 days, but it’s definitely been a lot of fun. I do respect Scot a lot for holding his frame and being civil about it, as compared with someone like Smitty or Simone who came off as needy and insecure respectively. I feel like I have a lot more to say on this topic, but I’m off to do some day game so it’ll have to wait.

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Got to love the Sleeper Hotties!

Yesterday was supposed to be my first date from the internet since firing up my profile again last Sunday. I was actually really excited about it because the girl who I had the date scheduled with was just my personality type: nice little sassy attitude, likes to be challenged, super independent, etc. It was funny, in her response to my first email she asked me the same question I had asked her, which is pretty common because hot girls on dating sites tend to have this ridiculously overblown sense of entitlement, so they don’t feel the need to invest much energy into crafting responses or being creative. So in my response, I basically called her out on it but answered the question anyway and then told her it was weird trying to get to know someone via email and asked for her number. Anyway, here’s her second response to me, after which I could tell she was a cool chick:

Hey Hammer,

I KNEW you would call me out on repeating your question!! Haha, I completely laughed out loud when I read that you did! I even tried to think for a second of how to change it to be creative, but it was A) already a great question and B) my brain was super slow last night – I was going on 36 hrs of awake time after spending the night in the hospital with my roommate (she was the patient, not me). So I do apologize for my lack of creativity, and I very much appreciate that you didn’t allow it to slide by.

Yes, definitely give me a call whenever you get a chance. I’ll be around most of the day tomorrow, and then Sunday will be having Easter festivities with friends. Talk to you soon!

HBSuperSass

123-456-7890

Things to note about this response that illustrate her being my type: I knew you would call me out, I completely laughed out loud, I very much appreciate that you didn’t let it slide by. I ended up talking to her on Sunday, she was super fun to talk to, and so we scheduled a date for Monday. I scheduled for Monday because she is going away Tues for the rest of the week, and I was going to try and lay her before she goes away (weird things happen to a woman’s brain on vacation). I had the multiple venue thing all planned out: we were going to start off grabbing burgers from this really good but cheap burger place that is notorious for having really long lines, then see this documentary about the student elections in my High School, then go out for drinks to talk about it (and probably end up in her bed). She texted me Monday afternoon cancelling the date because the above roommate was being discharged. We flirted over text for another half hour to keep momentum, but in the meantime I texted this other match girl who I’d been talking with but wasn’t nearly as excited to see (call her HBSleeperHottie) inviting her to the same plans I had with HBSuperSass. I do plan on trying to escalate over the phone with HBSuperSass, probably trying to get phone sex with her tonight or tomorrow.

So HBSleeperHottie can’t do the plans that I had made with HBSuperSass because she has movie plans with her friends for later in the night, but offers to meet for drinks after work. Fair enough, we schedule a meet in Union Square and with the plan to go to this place which is maybe my favorite date bar because there are couches, it has a nice ambiance, and it’s always empty. I actually discovered this place on a Saturday night when I was bar hopping and realized it was empty even then. So she finds me waiting there, and right off the bat, I’m like WOW! This is the same girl? I was expecting to be on a date with a 7 and instead I was on a date with a 9. Not that it matters, I don’t do anything differently either way, and I wasn’t trying to sleep with her because logistics were bad; I was just trying to escalate to a make-out and build interest, get her to masturbate thinking about me later that night (I’ll report back on that when I ask her in the debrief after I sleep with her).

I actually talked to her about her sleeper hottiness. I told her that she must be really unphotogenic because in her pictures she was cute enough and the real reason I was emailing her because she seemed cool, but in person, she’s absolutely gorgeous. I might have actually lost some points in doing so, but whatever, it was an excuse to talk about how I met my last two girlfriends off the interweb and was a very experienced online dater, which sort of builds preselection. You see, some girls are too hot to post good pictures of themselves online because they will just get flooded with guys making sexual comments about them and really not reading their profile. Rian was a sleeper hottie too. She looked cute in her pictures, but she didn’t have any shots below the neck and OKCupid doesn’t ask for body type information (typically you assume that if a girl’s not showing her body it’s for a reason). From her pictures, this girl looked like she was 5’2”, alien eyed, young, and Dominican. In person she’s 5’8”, very fair skinned, has large Angelina Jolie-like blue eyes and a model body. She’s a former ballerina (++++++points for the flexibility!), and has gorgeous curly light brown hair with an amazing smile.

Instantly this girl skyrocketed herself in my numbers list above all of the other girls, including HBSuperSass and a smokin hot redhead shot girl who’s number I got on Friday night. Whether she has long term potential, I won’t decide until after having sex with her, but she hasn’t disqualified herself yet, so that’s a big plus. I’m going to try to schedule her for Thursday, we’ll see if that works out, until then, play on playa!

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How Do You Get Her to Fuck Off?

Yesterday Rian called me for the first time in a week and a half. Two weeks prior Rian had flaked on a sex date we had arranged for a Tuesday night, and that was sort of the last straw in my book. I just ignored her communications for the next few days and then when she texted me on Friday I told her (for probably the 50th time) to stop contacting me and stay out of my life. The conversation went something like this:

It’s like 9pm on Friday and I’m on my way to Kiwi’s house. Rian had called or texted me twice a day on Wed and Thurs, all of whcih I ignored. This is her first message to me of the day.

Rian: I miss you

Hammer: Invite me over.

Rian: I’m in Vermont.

Hammer: It’s cool, when you flaked on me on Friday, something really strange happened. I felt nothing.

Rian: I didn’t flake, blah blah blah…

Hammer: It’s cool, I don’t even care. I realized something when you flaked. I’m totally over you.

Rian: Oh. Okay.

Rian: That’s fine because LameDudeIWasDatingToMakeYouJealous and I are official now.

Hammer: I feel sorry for him.

Rian: why?

Hammer: Because you’re a liar, and you’re super flaky, and you’re in love with another man.

Rian: I know I’m such a bad person.

Hammer: Yep, pretty much. Anyway, run along now, out of my life forever. Don’t make me get a restraining order.

Rian: So you really just never want to talk to me again?

Hammer: NO.

Rian: Fine, well have a good life baby. I love you.

That’s a really fucked up thing to say to a guy who’s trying to cut you out of his life, particularly when you’re dating another man and it’s totally your lack of time investment that fucked up the relationship in the first place. Anyway, so a week and a half goes by, and I think, “Great, I guess I’m in the clear.” Then she calls me up yesterday and leaves a voicemail all cheerfully under the guise of I just wanted to check in on you see how you’re doing. I wait about 5 hours then text her saying “If you want to know how I’m doing, twitter.com/hammer86, but don’t contact me again.” Anyway, it eventually got to the point of my saying things like, “You’re dead to me, and I’m not into necrophilia, so fuck off.” But come on, I know that she’s going to try calling me again, probably saying something about how much I upset her or how much she misses me or how she’s felt like shit after what I said to her.

So I guess the question is, how do I get her to fuck off? I’ve tried being civil, I’ve tried ignoring, I’ve tried being mean, I’ve tried being clingy to push her away, what else is there to do?

P.S. While we’re on the topic, something really interesting happens when you try to be clingy to push a girl away. Even though you are really trying to push her away, your mind tricks itself into catching feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I knew all along what I was trying to accomplish, but when she told me she needed space or whatever it still hurt for a few days. It’s funny how the brain works sometimes. I guess it’s biofeedback, your body is doing these things and scream you’re obsessed with X person so your emotional circuitry interprets it as “You must really like this person.” All the more reason to not act like a chode I suppose.

Tailoring Your Game to Attract the Girls You Want

I have a new wing, who for lack of a better term we’ll call Kiwi because he’s from New Zealand. We get along really well and have similar levels of commitment to getting good, but have very different styles of game. This doesn’t bother me too much because I like to isolate as quickly as possible anyway and run my game, but I think that I hurt him sometimes because he runs a more social game that involves group dynamics and making a lot of female friends.

Anyway, I want to talk about tailoring your game toward the girls that you are looking for, because I think that one of the things that Kiwi could do a little better is focus on screening for girls who are his type. His social game works and gets him laid, moreso than me (although not when I’m doing online dating), I just know he could be more efficient about getting through girls he’s really not interested in so he has a better chance of finding the girls who he is. He just genuinely cares too much about what perfect strangers think of him, which is something that we’ve talked about and he acknowledges is a sticking point.

Last night I did an approach on a tall super cute girl with red hair (not natural but whatever) and things started off really well. I quickly isolated her and was getting IOIs early. As I started trying to set sexual frames, I quickly came to the realization that this was not a girl who would have sex with me on the first night. She had only had sex with one guy in her entire life, and clearly had a bunch of hang-ups about sex. Additionally, she’s probably never had good sex. Anyway, when I get a set like that, do one of three things. I can either walk away, try and get a number and date her, or keep trying to frame her until she either blows me out or accepts the SNL frames I’m setting. Because I’m on a kick of going exclusively for Same Night Lays and not taking numbers, I chose the latter.

Now the thing about this is, I already knew this girl was into me, but I had pretty much lost any interest in her because she couldn’t give me what I was after, so getting blown out isn’t a big deal for me. Thinking like this gives me the balls to say things that I might otherwise be afraid to say like telling her that all of my best relationships started off passionately and I am really turned off by girls who practice self denial because they are worried about being called a slut. Needless to say, after about 10 minutes of this she had to “go to the bathroom.” One thing that I’ve noticed is that a great way to save a set is to show some social intuition, so now when women say things like that, I just tell them, “listen, if you don’t want to talk to me anymore that’s totally cool, I’m a big boy, but there’s really no need to lie to me. I don’t want to be wasting my time talking to people who aren’t interested in me anyway.” This time it didn’t work but often it will (e.g. a couple weeks ago I was talking to a girl but the conversation was kind of dull and I was thinking of how I could get it on the right track when I saw her reach back to touch her friend which is a plea to be saved. I told her, “I saw you just tap your friend to be rescued, so I’m going to go back to my friends, but it was really nice meeting you.” After this she changed her mind and asked me to stay).

Afterward Kiwi started giving me shit for getting blown out telling me that I was being uncalibrated and when I realized that she wasn’t that type of girl I should have readjusted my game, but this is where I totally disagree with him. I would rather get blown out of the set than talk to her for another 20 minutes and get a number that I’ll never call. It wasn’t that I was being uncalibrated (although I am not going to pretend that I’m not uncalibrated sometimes). It’s that sometimes you have to step over lines to really figure out where they are.

So I want to talk quickly about how to design your game so that it will get you much more attraction from girls who are your type and get blown out by girls who aren’t. Two powerful techniques that we are going to use to do this are cold reads and negging into a frame. So for example, Kiwi likes girls who are sort of tomboyish, so if thinks that the girl he’s talking to is a tomboy, he can cold read her by telling her, “I can see that you’ve gotten dressed up all cute tonight and stuff and you look great, but I can tell that you’re really way more in your element in jeans and a t-shirt. You’re a total tomboy aren’t you!” Alternatively, if he’s at a time in the interaction where you could really use a break in rapport to build more attraction, or you think she’s probably not a tomboy but you want her to sort of accept that frame, you can tell her, “Oh wow we’d never get along, I can already tell you’re a total girly girl like something straight out of legally blond. I’ll bet you have a pet Chihuahua too.” Unless this is her, in which case her attraction to you will get increased because you nailed her personality, she should push back hard and as a result will frame herself as a tomboy, which will make her act more like you’d like her to.

Doing something like this is all about recovery. With that girl yesterday, I told her that I can totally tell she’s a closet nerd, which she denied adamantly, but I held frame, and eventually when I found out she had an iPhone, it was not hard to get her to agree that she is in fact an apple fanboy (see nerd). I also told her that I really liked the fact that she was independent but I’ll bet that because she has to be so decisive in her everyday life, she prefers to be submissive in relationships. She pushed back telling me that she just got out of an overly controlling relationship, so I had to backtrack, basically telling her that if that’s what she’s attracted to it’s what she’ll always be attracted to and she will be bored in relationships where she isn’t being led. This didn’t really hit at all, but I did recover and end up getting a lot farther in the interaction, but she had already lost points in my book because she wasn’t that type of girl, so I became less invested in the interaction and cared less when it died.